SESSION #15 - MY FUNNY VALENTINE
Three years ago. A team of doctors in a cold blue room. Faye unconscious in a tank. The tank sinks into the floor and locks.
The Bebop. Jet and Ed open up a panel in the floor to find a box of frozen fish.
ED: Frozen, frozen, hard.
Jet scans it with a sensor.
JET: No good after all. It's full of dioxins. I had saved this as evidence a while back -
Ed starts munching on them.
JET: Don't eat it, you malnutritioned kid!
The rotating part of the ship.
ED: Then you want to catch a fraud? A matrimonial fraud?
JET: Guess I have no choice.
ED: What kinda fraud? Is it big?
JET: Smallest of the small fry. I don't think Spike will be up for this...
ED: Ed wants chicken kabobs!
Ed floats away.
JET: Guess I'll do it alone.
The living room. Faye is asleep on the couch. She screams aloud in her sleep.
FAYE: You have GOT to be kidding!
Ein barks at her.
FAYE: Give me a break...
Faye suddenly smells a nasty odor.
FAYE: This stinks!
Ein has filled his doggy toilet.
Faye and Ein walk to the bathroom.
FAYE: Really. Weren't you taught that you should wipe your own butt? I've been thinking of who you remind me of. I know now. That guy with the thin eye brows... Whitney Hagas Matsumoto. I wonder why I suddenly was reminded of him... Do you want to know something about my past that nobody else knows?
MY FUNNY VALENTINE
Three years ago. Faye is emerged from the tank.
Faye awakens in the office of Doctor Baccus. Baccus examines Faye, while his secretary, Miss Manley, works at a terminal.
BACCUS: Miss Manley, does she look resuscitated to you?
MANLEY: Yes, she does, Doctor.
BACCUS: Miss Manley, does she look like an old woman to you?
MANLEY: No, she doesn't, Doctor.
BACCUS: Do you think she has been successfully defrosted?
MANLEY: I believe so, Doctor.
BACCUS: Can you hear me? I am Doctor Baccus. Baccus, as in the Baccus that drowned more humans than Neptune. Do you know about him? But I used to be an alcoholic. Baccus was drowning thanks to Baccus. Hey, that was great!
Baccus breaks into laughter.
BACCUS: All right, open wide.
Faye opens her mouth and he checks her.
BACCUS: No problems. You have no wounds left, and the cells are dividing nicely. Now, you only have one problem to solve. Oh, it's just a simple process. The 30 million for the basic operation, and 54 years' worth of interest. Hey, how much is that?
MANLEY: 273 million. Add to that the hospital fees for a total of 300,028,000 Woolongs.
BACCUS: Yes, if you pay up that much, you will be free. Do you understand?
FAYE: I don't understand...
BACCUS: Yes, that's it - WHAT?!
FAYE: Where is this? Who am I?
BACCUS: Miss Manley?
MANLEY: She is not acting, Doctor.
A hospital room.
WITNEY: I am Whitney Hagas Matsumoto, your lawyer.
WITNEY: At the request of the Totus Insurance Company I did some research on your past. Miss Faye Valentine.
FAYE: Is that really my name?
WITNEY: It's a lovely name. It suits you very well.
WITNEY: How much of your memory do you still have?
Faye identifies various objects in the room.
FAYE: This is a TV, this is a hot water pot and this is a cellular phone. I know everything except about myself.
WITNEY: I see.
WITNEY: According to the materials that remain, when you were 20... Well, you are still 20. You seem to have been involved in a serious accident.
WITNEY: Such that medical technology back then could not completely cure you.
FAYE: I'm totally fine, as you can see. Not a scratch on my body - Wait, what do you mean, "back then?"
WITNEY: That was 54 years ago. You have been in cold-sleep, or rather cryogenically preserved, to this day. And you were able to reawaken now that you could get the treatment you needed. Just like Sleeping Beauty.
FAYE: You're kidding, right?
WITNEY: I am being serious.
FAYE: Then this is a dream...
WITNEY: No, it is definitely 2068 now. And this isn't a TV...
Witney pops open the device.
WITNEY: ...but a washing machine. And this isn't a hot water pot...
Witney lifts the device.
WITNEY: ...but an automatic face-washing machine.
Witney picks up a device.
WITNEY: And this is not a telephone, but a thermometer. You put this round segment in your mouth -
FAYE: Don't mock me! You just start saying stuff like that, and you expect me to believe -
Witney extends the round part of the device into Faye's mouth.
ELECTRONIC VOICE: Body temperature: 34.5 degrees Celsius. Pulse: 54. Blood pressure: 40/75.
WITNEY: Still low.
FAYE: Wait a minute...!
WITNEY: Your memories end back when cellular telephones still looked like this.
FAYE: Then tell me! What kind of accident?! What was I like before then?! Who am I?!
WITNEY: Calm down. If you get excited, you -
FAYE: What?! What is going to happen -
WITNEY: You'll get sleepy.
That evening. Faye sneaks out of the hospital. She runs until she reaches a group of vending machines. Holograms light up selling beer and miscellaneous products.
HOLOGRAM GIRL: Would you like one?
Faye is scared off. She runs into the road and sees an approaching vehicle.
FAYE: Hey! Hey!! HEY!!
The vehicle zooms off a few feet above her.
Faye chases after it. Behind her, Witney drives up in a car.
WITNEY: Miss Valentine!
Faye runs off the road. Witney parks and chases after her.
FAYE: Don't get near me!
WITNEY: What can you do by running away?!
Faye slips and stumbles to the ground. Witney catches up.
WITNEY: Miss Valentine...
FAYE: I can't pay 300 million... It's unreasonable for them to choose to resuscitate me and then expect me to pay the debt. I don't even know anything about myself... What should I do?
Witney comforts her.
WITNEY: We can take it slow about the debt. I will help you. Your memory might come back to you someday. If you keep living, you might meet someone wonderful.
Witney carries Faye on his back. Faye notices a barcode tattoo on the back of his neck.
FAYE: What is this?
WITNEY: An ID. This way, if you die, or if you forget yourself they will know who you are and where you're from.
FAYE: And I don't have that...
Witney teaches Faye about the present.
One night. A ship police intercepts Faye and Witney on the road.
WITNEY: The collection agency! The insurance company got impatient!
FAYE: What are we going to do?!
Witney drives into the forest.
WITNEY: At this rate, we're both doomed. You should get out of the car and run.
FAYE: What about you?
WITNEY: We'll meet up at the Doctor's place. All right?
FAYE: Why are you helping me?
WITNEY: The prince must protect his sleeping beauty.
Faye gets out and Witney drives off. Faye runs and then suddenly, an explosion.
BACCUS: We just went through the paper work. He told us to hand you all of his assets if something happened to him... If you give us a thumb print here, everything he owns will be yours.
FAYE: Whitney... You really cared for me...
BACCUS: Now, put your thumb here.
Baccus puts Faye's thumb on a screen. A slew of red numbers pop up.
FAYE: Why are the numbers all red?
BACCUS: Well, they say that debt is an asset...
Faye breaks down.
FAYE: You have GOT to be kidding!
She tosses a table.
The present. The Bebop.
FAYE: I was stupid back then, now that I think about it. I mean, he risked his life to save me. His debt was nothing compared to mine. It really wasn't that much...
Spike walks out of the bathroom.
FAYE: You were there the whole time?
SPIKE: Your story was way too long.
The Bebop living room.
SPIKE: You are a horrible woman. I'm sure that guy is weeping in the after life now that you ran away without paying the debt.
FAYE: I can't help it. It's not a sum that I can pay off.
SPIKE: Now you're being defiant about it.
FAYE: I've got some nerve, alright. I'm much older than you are.
SPIKE: Your past is all lies. What was that about Romani? Did you make this story up too?
FAYE: It's neither a lie, nor a fake. I just don't know the truth. Like I can help it.
ED: Welcome back!
Hammerhead returns to the Bebop.
The living room. Jet has a handcuffed fat man.
JET: This guy is known as the "Madam Killer." Well, he's just a cheap matrimonial fraud.
SPIKE: Sure doesn't look like one.
Faye seems to recognize him.
JET: Well, I can do a good job even by myself. Got that?
Faye grabs the man and spots a barcode tattoo on the back of his neck.
FAYE: Whitney Hagas Matsumoto...
WITNEY: H-Hey... long time no see...
The rotating part of the ship.
JET: What kinda relationship do they have that she wants to talk to him alone?
SPIKE: Apparently it's a pretty deep relationship.
JET: An old guy of her's?
SPIKE: They were made for each other.
The control room.
FAYE: You seem very, VERY well, Mister Lawyer.
WITNEY: Is it because I'm fat? Isn't that a biased opinion?
FAYE: I demand an explanation.
WITNEY: I got a fat implant after that accident. Got a little incision around the armpit, and had it squeezed in -
FAYE: NOT THAT!
WITNEY: It's been three years? You look healthy, I'm glad.
FAYE: Yeah, I'm sure you are. Did you think that you completely reinvented yourself by doing that?
WITNEY: I wanted to start over... start everything over...
FAYE: And so you went with matrimonial fraud.
WITNEY: To think you're a bounty hunter... This must have been destined.
FAYE: So everyone was in on it?
WITNEY: Back then, I couldn't do anything else. Because he sheltered me, the doctor... Maybe it was better to have been caught. I couldn't wish for anything more than having you hand me over to the police.
The living room.
JET: You think it's all right to leave them alone?
SPIKE: You worried about her?
JET: I just thought that she might let him go.
SPIKE: Does she have that much sympathy in her heart?
JET: Women as insistent as her tend to be the ones who get emotionally swayed by their exes.
SPIKE: Is that so?
JET: Women don't work on reason.
Ed picks up an incoming call.
ED: Welcome, visitors!
A police ship floats next to the Bebop.
VOICE: So are you the ones that reported to us?
JET: Yeah, I want to claim a bounty.
VOICE: I see.
The man in the ship is Doctor Baccus. The pilot is Miss Manley.
BACCUS: Miss Manley, prepare to rendezvous.
MANLEY: Yes, Inspector.
The control room.
WITNEY: I'm glad I was able to meet you one last time. Take care...
Faye approaches Witney and tries to unlock his handcuffs with a lock pick.
FAYE: I won't hand you over to them!
WITNEY: It's all right. You really don't have to mind me!
Failing at unlocking the handcuffs, she draws her gun and shoots apart the
The gravity on the ship is suddenly deactivated. Spike and Jet float in the rotating part of the ship.
SPIKE: Are they ready to depart already?
JET: Is she gonna let him go?
SPIKE: She might be letting him go.
JET: You wanna bet?
SPIKE: We're splitting it 60-40.
They struggle to float to the hanger.
JET: Dammit, hurry up, Spike!
SPIKE: I'm trying!
The hanger. Faye stuffs Witney into Red Tail's pod.
WITNEY: I-It's impossible to get both of us in this!
FAYE: I don't care. Breathe out some more! EXHALE!
Spike and Jet enter.
JET: Hey, wait!
Faye points her gun at them.
FAYE: I'm not letting you have him!
JET: She took the guy and not the money!
SPIKE: Jet captured him!
FAYE: I have to repay my debt to him. So I have the right to do what I want with him, and the bounty on him!
SPIKE: Amazing. She clearly states a pointless argument...
JET: That's what I told you. Women don't work on reason.
WITNEY: Get me off of this thing!
JET: Are you gonna let him go?
FAYE: We'll see!
She shoots. Spike and Jet dodge. Jet accidentally closes the hanger doors for Red Tail to launch. Red Tail takes off.
Ed and Ein floating in the living room.
ED: Visitor, thanks for coming!
The Red Tail in space.
WITNEY: Where are you going? What are you going to do with me?
FAYE: I want you to tell me the truth. Why was I there? Where does the truth end, and where do the lies start?
Spike in Swordfish II chases after Faye. He shoots at Red Tail.
FAYE: What are you doing?!
SPIKE: If you're not careful, I'll hit the pod.
FAYE: I'm not going to be easy on you!
Faye shoots back.
SPIKE: That's MY line!
Faye fires blinders at Swordfish. Spike maneuvers around them and blow out Red Tail's engines.
SPIKE: You're causing me a lot of trouble...
FAYE: Who am I?
WITNEY: Do you really want to know your own past? Are you prepared for the consequences?
FAYE: I am!
WITNEY: I see...
FAYE: Wait a minute.
WITNEY: Well, I don't really know myself.
FAYE: You're so -
BACCUS: Who you really are, where you are from, and where you will go. That is a question that every human asks himself at least once in his life.
FAYE: And who are you?
BACCUS: However, puberty is the only time you need to worry about things like that. Only bored individuals think such thoughts after a certain age.
FAYE: I've heard that voice before...
BACCUS: Can you see me?
Baccus and Manley float by in their police ship.
FAYE: Is that... the doctor and the nurse?
WITNEY: Seems that way.
FAYE: Didn't you say something like that doctor passed away?
WITNEY: No, no... I didn't mean it THAT way...
FAYE: YOU! How many lies do you have to tell before you're satisfied?!
Witney cowers with fear.
BACCUS: You were cryogenically preserved there. That we are certain of. I guarantee it.
FAYE: What about my past? Who in the world am I?
BACCUS: I gave you the name Valentine. I named you after my favorite song. As for everything else, all data was lost back in that Gate accident. So I don't know who you are, or why you were put in cold-sleep.
SPIKE: He wasn't a cop?
A fleet of police ships surround them.
OFFICER: The patrol ship over there. State your department. I repeat. The patrol ship over there. State your department and registration number.
MANLEY: Doctor... at this rate, we will be apprehended.
BACCUS: It's truly unfortunate, but it's best that we not meddle in this any longer.
MANLEY: Let's give up.
BACCUS: So, farewell, Whitney. Take care of yourself.
MANLEY: We're sorry!
They float away.
WITNEY: H-Hey, wait! Uncle! UNCLE!
They take off.
FAYE: I'll take my bounty here and now!
SPIKE: There ya go!
A jail room at a police station. Witney is behind bars.
FAYE: Good riddance. I guess you're getting paid back for all the lies that you told.
WITNEY: There is one truth that I have spoken. That I fell in love with you while you were asleep in love with a sleeping beauty.
Faye stares at him. Witney blushes.
WITNEY: No, just kidding! I'm lying! It's a lie!
Outside the police station.
FAYE: Did you want me to come back that badly?
SPIKE: You sure got a big mouth.
FAYE: You were jealous.
SPIKE: You really are a heartless woman.
FAYE: I guess I don't know anything about my past anymore...
SPIKE: Isn't that something that really doesn't matter?
FAYE: You think that way because you have a past.
SPIKE: No matter the past, you still have a future.
Spike flips Faye a coin.
FAYE: What's this?
SPIKE: Your share... of the 19,800 on his head.
SPIKE: The smallest of the small fry.
JET: It wasn't 198,000? I put an extra digit in there...
The living room. Faye sleeps on the couch. Ein, with eyebrows drawn on him in black marker, sleeps on the floor.
JET: So. The next episode of Cowboy Bebop I admit, is really heavy and depressing. The only people that show up are well-aged musty men. I hate to say this, but it is rather lackluster. Children shouldn't watch it. Ladies should avoid it, too. And to top it off, it's better for young guys to not watch either. Next episode: "Black Dog Serenade." Just to all the old guys - make sure you watch it.
BLACK DOG SERENADE
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